Understanding and Dealing with Temper Tantrums among Children

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Tantrums, as we know them, are often associated with kids. However, as we previously explored, adult tantrums can also occur, particularly when adults struggle to control their emotions as they mature from childhood.

The American Psychological Association defines a tantrum or temper tantrum as a violent outburst commonly experienced by children between the ages of 2 and 4. These outbursts can range from shouting, biting, hitting, throwing objects, crying, and even inflicting self-harm such as head banging or pinching. These behaviors are out of proportion and might happen whenever kids are frustrated or want to get something. 

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Why do my kids throw tantrums?

Children frequently throw tantrums as they grow up, so they shouldn't be considered abnormal. These behaviors are their way to communicate that they’re upset or frustrated.

1. Difficulty expressing themselves. As toddlers learn how to speak and use words to express themselves, they throw tantrums to communicate their needs or their frustrations with us. They may shout or cry if they’re hungry or frustrated. The positive news is that these episodes will lessen once they learn how to communicate and practice the language skills they have learned.

‍2. Desire for independence and control. Tantrums are also common when children struggle to express themselves and acquire what they want. We've met kids who say, "Kaya ko na 'to!" when we try to help them or "Gusto ko 'to!" when they want to eat all their grandparents' chocolates in one sitting.

‍3. Coping with big emotions. Finally, intense emotions like anger or anxiety might induce children to engage in tantrum-like behavior. These feelings might show up in different situations, such as when they fight with a friend, don't get the gift they want, or are told they can't go on a school trip. They may also come up when they have class performances or school tests.

‍4. Underlying health concerns. Children who struggle to control their emotions, such as those with hearing or vision issues, ADHD, language delays, learning disabilities, or autism, may exhibit temper tantrums.

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Can I prevent temper tantrums?

This task may be challenging, but it is achievable! Here are some strategies you can try to prevent tantrums:

A. Praise positive actions. When kids misbehave, we often point out what they did wrong and what they should have done. However, experts say that positive attention could produce positive behavior. Try to shift your attention to the positive actions your kids took and specifically praise them. Simple praises like, “Uy, very good! Niligpit mo toys mo!” “Wow! Ang linis naman ng kwarto mo ngayon!” “Thank you sa pagligpit ng mga groceries, ‘nak” could increase the likelihood that they will repeat these actions. 

B. Give them control with small tasks. Your kid wants to wear that blue dress? Your kids want to eat hotdogs in the evening? Your kids want to watch Bluey after school? Instead of immediately saying no to your kids’ requests, consider them first. Some example scenarios are:

- If they would prefer to wear the blue dress for her birthday party instead of the pink one you've prepared, then feel free to let them choose. It’ll keep things simple and avoid any more discussion.

- Perhaps you've asked your son to take out the trash, and he replied, "Ma, just wait 10 minutes!" Instead of getting upset, try waiting for the time he mentioned. If he still hasn’t done the task after the given time, you can gently remind him to do it or offer options such as putting the trash out before sleeping or after dinner. Following through can help kids remember to honor their word.

Offering options for them to choose from can help them feel independent, express themselves, and lessen the power struggle experience.

C. Keep your kids busy. This doesn't suggest distracting them from their requests. Allowing them choices can boost their confidence, as we already said. There are some things they want now, so it's good to give them choices. Offer something in place of what they can't or already have. For example, if your daughter loves to draw on walls, try giving her a cartolina to do so. If your son wants to go to the park every day at 4:00 pm but no one will watch him yet, try giving him things to do after school.

‍D. Keep dangerous objects out of sight. Tantrums in children can be extremely frustrating, so it's crucial to be mindful of the items around them during such episodes. If your child is experiencing tantrums while completing their homework, consider placing sharp objects away from them. This may present a challenge when the episodes occur outside of your home, but it's crucial to take this into consideration to ensure that the struggle doesn't become too overwhelming for both you and your child.

‍E. Share skills to manage their emotions. You can start sharing healthy emotion management skills so that if they are feeling frustrated, they have the tools and words to use. Strategies such as mindful deep breathing, learning the different emotions and encouraging them to use them to describe what they're feeling, and using words to share what they want are good places to start.

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What should I do during and after an episode?

We might assume that tantrums are simply a means for children to get what they want, but experts say that they can be both involuntary and learnt. When caregivers reinforce their children's behavior, they may learn that tantrums are effective.

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If your children are having a tantrum, be calm. It's vital to realize that your frustrations and feelings can influence how you respond to your children's behavior. Here are some ideas to use during their temper tantrums:

1. Check to see what your child needs. Tantrums occur based on how the children feel or why they are upset. When you are aware of their needs or wants, you can respond appropriately. Here are a few examples:

- If your kid is hungry or tired, they may need a snack or nap.

- If they are upset about something, assure them that you’re available whenever they want to share what happened to them.

- There are times when they simply ask for attention. For instance, your child may have started to throw the sofa cushions on the floor because you didn't bring a snack from the supermarket when they requested it. Despite your attempts to stop and instruct them to clean up, they continued with their behavior. It is best to ignore them and follow through with your instructions once they are calm.

- Take children who are prone to harming themselves or others to a quiet place so they can calm down.

- If kids hit their siblings or throw tantrums to get their way, a timeout is appropriate. Sit them and be nearby to supervise. 

- - - - Inform them that the time-out will end sooner if they remain calm and quiet. This can empower kids and serve as a reminder that their actions are impacting the outcome.

2. Do not give in to their actions. Sometimes, it is tempting to just give them what they want so that they will stop what they’re doing. However, this could have negative consequences, as it could reinforce the belief that throwing tantrums is an effective way to get what they want.

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It is also a good idea to provide a “calm space” in your home where anyone could go or hang out to calm down and breathe whenever they are upset or frustrated. Make sure they know this space in your home isn't a punishment but a chance to manage their emotions.

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Once the situation has calmed down, it is essential to reassure them that they are loved no matter what happened. They may be vulnerable or shy afterwards and a hug could make a difference for them. More importantly, communicate with them that their emotions and feelings are valid, but there are ways we can express ourselves without hurting ourselves or others. 

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Tantrums may come off as annoying and frustrating for parents or the kids’ caregiver, but they can also be an opportunity for you to share healthy coping and emotion regulation strategies with your kids. 

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Reference: 

• APA Dictionary of Psychology. (n.d.-b). https://dictionary.apa.org/temper-tantrum 
• Martinelli, K. (2023, October 30). The Power of Positive Attention. Child Mind Institute. https://childmind.org/article/the-power-of-positive-attention/ 
• Miller, C. (2024, March 5). Why Do Kids Have Tantrums and Meltdowns? Child Mind Institute. https://childmind.org/article/why-do-kids-have-tantrums-and-meltdowns/ 
• Temper Tantrums (for Parents). (n.d.). https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/tantrums.html

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