Pakikiramay: 3 ways to show Empathy for someone grieving

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For us Filipinos, the Undas season, the holiday season from the end of October to the 3rd of November, are days wherein we gather our families together to remember the lives of the ones we’ve lost. In addition to the sadness we experience when remembering them, we also feel the joy of knowing that we've crossed paths with them and that their lives deserve celebration.

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In the culture of Filipinos, we show support to our friends and loved ones through "pakikiramay,” our way of showing kindness, generosity, and help in times of need. Our trait of pakikiramay isn’t exclusive to supporting those who lose someone, but we do it whenever there is a tragic event that happens among the community, such as damages from a natural calamity or sickness in the family.

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As grieving comes in waves for each of us, our wanting to show support oftentimes overlaps with our desire to help fix everything for them so they would feel better. However, there are other ways to support them while respecting their feelings.

A. Listen with compassion. One of the best things that we could do for someone who is grieving is to listen. A listening ear allows the grieving or bereaved person to express themselves through sharing memories of their loved one(s), crying, or frustrated outbursts. Others may just want a companion to sit with in silence while they go through their emotions.

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Remember that each person has a unique way of expressing their grief, and a compassionate ear, along with respecting and keeping the griever's loss at the center of conversations, will go a long way.

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B. Help with practical things. They might struggle with basic or simple tasks, and providing assistance can brighten their day. It could be picking their kids up from school, doing groceries for the week, or cooking dinner.

Not will let you do these tasks, so it is important to respect their requests. Assuring them that you are a call or text away to offer help is more than enough. 

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C. Be mindful of what you say. We might want to offer kind words while they are processing their emotions, and we have good intentions while doing so. But remember to be mindful of what you say: “Look at the bright side...” or “I know how you feel...” could hurt instead of comfort. 

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Instead of those, you may try:

1. Asking specific questions about how they are feeling or about the deceased, such as "Do you want to talk about them?" 

2. Ask open-ended questions about how they are coping; or

3. Express your desire to understand where they are and what they're going through.

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All of us have experienced and will continue to experience grief throughout our lives. It is a unique experience for each person and a beautiful one at that. It is a celebration of the loved one(s) that we had crossed paths with and how they influenced our lives.

Dr. Lois Tonkin interprets the effect of grief in our lives in her 1996 article Growing Around Grief: Another Way of Looking at Grief and Recovery. She shares how it doesn’t just go away over time but instead we grow through it. It doesn’t just leave us; it remains with us as we move forward and create new memories in life.

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“It’s kind of okay to miss somebody. … That sadness, it’s kind of a gift. It’s kind of a lovely thing to feel, in a way, because it means you really love someone when you miss them.”

• Andrew Garfield (2024, Sesame Street)

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If you or your loved ones need support in processing their sadness and grief, Empath is here for you.

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Reference:

• Bautista, K., & Aguilar, M. I. B. (n.d.). SIKOLOHIYANG PILIPINO: AN INDIGENOUS FILIPINO APPROACH TO COMMUNITY ADVOCACY FOR REPRODUCTIVE HEALTH. In University of Malta, University of Glasgow, & University of the Philippines Diliman, Postcolonial Directions in Education (Vol. 12, Issue 2, pp. 203–207). https://www.um.edu.mt/library/oar/bitstream/123456789/116643/1/PDE12(2)A2.pdf 
• Department of Health & Human Services. (n.d.). Grief - how to support the bereaved. Better Health Channel. https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/servicesandsupport/grief-how-to-support-the-bereaved 
• Growing Around Grief. (n.d.). What’s Your Grief. Retrieved October 20, 2024, from https://whatsyourgrief.com/growing-around-grief/ Sesame Street. (2024, October 19). 
• Instagram. Retrieved October 20, 2024, from https://www.instagram.com/reel/DBRJf1SOy-i/?igsh=MTl1aWhuczlqbXd0aA== 
• Using Empathy to Support Your Grieving Loved Ones. (2024, September 5). https://www.newcomercincinnati.com/blog/6322/using-empathy

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