How a “Doormat” Personality Affects Your Relationships

Have you ever had trouble saying no to your relationships? Have you ever been afraid to voice your concerns because you fear being perceived as a bothersome person? Have you allowed others to disrespect you by being quiet? Have you ignored your feelings in order to maintain harmony and prevent fights? 

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If you answered yes to these questions, you may have a doormat personality. 

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What is a "doormat" personality? According to psychologist Dr. Lalitaa Suglani, the word "doormat" refers to a frequent behavioral tendency in which people are passive in relationships and allow others to engage in ways that are uncomfortable for them. This can cause bitterness and dissatisfaction in our relationships.

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We can relate this to people-pleasing tendencies, which include the need to please others out of insecurity, fear of rejection, or desire to be liked. If a person does not perform well or sees that others are happy with them, they may believe they are a disappointment, that people will abandon them, or that they will face unpleasant consequences. As a result, they are willing to sacrifice themselves in order to make others content and happy.

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Here are some clues that you might have a "doormat" personality:

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1. There are instances when we tend to always be agreeable, which means we agree on ideas or activities simply to avoid conflicts or to end the conversation. 

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2. In relation to clue #1, we often feel afraid to say “no” or disagree with someone.

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3. We avoid sharing what we want and need because we think it might lead to a fight.

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4. In order to make our loved ones happy and content, we prioritize their needs before our own.

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5. When interactions with loved ones - friends, relatives, or significant others - make you feel resentful, regretful, frustrated, or even taken advantage of.

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6. We feel better about ourselves when we know that our loved ones like us which may likely make us do what they want.

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Worrying about other people's happiness all the time could make us feel negative about ourselves and them. Additionally, trying to control how everyone feels and thinks about us can be exhausting, cause misunderstandings between your and their needs, and make the relationship unhealthy inside and out.

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Understanding that we frequently put other people's needs before our own in order to please them requires self-reflection and awareness of how we act in relationships. It's challenging to prioritize our own needs when we're accustomed to attending to others' needs, but it can be done. Below are ways we can still be friendly without being a “doormat:”

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1. Get in touch with yourself. Self-awareness is an effective strategy to be true to ourselves while developing meaningful relationships. It also helps to identify and overcome our worries, which contribute to our people-pleasing behavior.

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2. Set clear boundaries and communicate. Both are equally vital to building positive relationships and caring for oneself. It is critical to remember that asserting your needs and engaging in challenging conversations does not mean hatred toward your relationships; rather, it fosters open and respectful relationships.  

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3. It feels good to be nice to others, but consider your motivation for wanting to help others. It may be helpful to wait for them to request assistance before providing it.

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4. Let go of your desire to be liked. The reality is that we will each disagree and have conflicts with others, and this does not make you a bad person. 

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As social beings, we naturally want to connect with others, but we must also remember to care for ourselves and listen to our own needs.

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References:

• Chiorando, M. (2023, October 16). I'm a psychologist and here are 8 signs that you are a doormat - from having low self esteem to often feeling overwhelmed. Retrieved from Daily Mail UK: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-12635061/Im-psychologist-8-signs-doormat-having-low-self-esteem-feeling-overwhelmed.html
• Martin, S. (2024, July 4). Stop Being a Doormat: How to Assert Your Needs Confidently. Retrieved from Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/conquering-codependency/202407/stop-being-a-doormat-how-to-assert-your-needs-confidently
• Psychology Today Staff. (2024, July 8). People-Pleasing. Retrieved from Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/people-pleasing
• Riggio, R. E. (2024, April 4). Why Someone Might Feel Like a Psychological “Doormat”. Retrieved from Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/202404/why-someone-might-feel-like-a-psychological-doormat

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