5 Strategies to Address or Prevent Sibling Rivalry

Most of the shows that we grew up with had themes from love stories and revenge to family conflicts: kung sino ang tagapag-mana, nagkaagawan ng love interest ang magkapatid, lumaki sa ibang pamilya ang tunay na anak, and so much more. Sometimes, it’s a treat if they are all connected in the show! 

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Remember these famous series and movies–Four Sisters and a Wedding, Mara Clara, You’re the One, Magkaribal, Seven Sundays, and Way Back Home? These are just some that portray sibling rivalries. But the question is, is it just fiction or is it a reality?

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In psychology, there is a phenomenon called sibling rivalry, which happens when siblings become competitors in the family dynamics. This is a phase among siblings wherein they want to compete with each other to have their caregivers’ (e.g., parents, grandparents, tito, tita) love and attention—may it be from wanting to help mama clean the house, leading the group play, choosing what to watch during their screen time, or simply put, they want to be the one in charge.

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Dr. Murray Bowen, a well-known psychiatrist, established the Bowen Family Systems Theory. In this theory, he outlined how family dynamics could impact a person's behaviors, thoughts, and feelings, including self-reflection, relationships, emotional life, and coping with difficult situations. As a result, family dynamics can have an impact on each unit member.

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A variety of reasons might contribute to these occurrences in the family, including the child's environmental, psychological, and emotional aspects. Psychological and emotional aspects include a kid feeling excluded when a new sibling is born or their need for their parent's attention, care, and validation. Parents may show favoritism or forget about their other child(ren) if one is doing well or needs constant supervision, such as an aggressive or withdrawing kid.

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When discussing environmental factors, we could consider adults (e.g., caregivers or relatives) who frequently compare siblings, tease them, or show favoritism. When Ate performs well at school and is compared to Bunso, someone else may feel jealous, superior, or inferior. Furthermore, familial characteristics such as parenting style and conflict resolution may influence a person's competitiveness toward their siblings.

This is typical and can benefit a child's cooperation abilities and the development of healthy competitiveness. However, if it becomes frequent, violent, and intentional, it can have an impact on sibling relationships and one's self-confidence & social skills, leading to anxiety towards family members and others. 

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Now, parents may blame themselves for their children's behavior and feelings. It is vital to remember that you are also learning the ropes of parenting. Here are some strategies you may use to reduce and prevent sibling rivalry:

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1. Be mindful of your biases. We may have formed our thoughts about how our child(ren) acts based on our own experiences from the past. It's common to experience a range of emotions, from satisfaction when one of your children excels in school, sports, or any other activity to discouragement when one is challenging. It is normal, but your words and actions may affect your child in the future.

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2. Avoid comparisons. It is crucial to be aware when we are starting to compare our children. This may be difficult to notice at first, especially if we're in the moment—telling your child off for coming home late, accidentally comparing them to their punctual brother or sister, or constantly reminding them to study because their brother or sister excels in school—but it's doable. Talk to your partner about your tendency to compare your child(ren) and brainstorm ways to prevent them. Furthermore, communicating with your partner can make parenting easier and remind you that you are not alone in raising your kid(s). 

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3. Model and teach healthy conflict resolution. Sibling conflicts may be unavoidable, even as they grow older. One thing we can do is model and teach them healthy conflict resolution skills, which will help them deal with discomfort and anger when socializing with others. Demonstrating how to share, listen, and find a middle ground can assist your children in their interactions once they leave their home. Also, reassuring them that they can always take a break to deal with their emotions can teach them that it's okay to do so.

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However, if you notice that one of your children is being taken advantage of or is consistently targeted, it is best to intervene so that they know you are there for them. Allowing kids to resolve their own arguments and conflicts is normal and fine, but if someone gets harmed, it's crucial to intervene, engage in conversation, listen to their concerns, and assist them in finding solutions.

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1. Celebrate your kids’ abilities, strengths, and wins. Each child in the family has unique skills and strengths, and it's important to encourage and remind them that they can succeed individually. Supporting their goals and cheering on the progress they make in life can also help them trust themselves and boost their confidence.

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2. Spend alone time with each of your kids. Growing up, children may experience jealousy towards their siblings and, later, other children. Spending time alone with each child while doing something they enjoy is a core memory that they will cherish. Simple activities like doing arts & crafts with JR, playing volleyball with Ana, grocery shopping with Ate Baby, and coffee dates with Kuya Junjun can make a big difference.

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You can also use this time to check in with your kids and listen about their school, friends, and potential relationships. Now, not everyone will want to share what's going on in their lives, but providing a space where they know they can talk to you is a good start.

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“Saan ako nagkulang?”

“Bakit parang kasalanan ko?

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Parents may ask themselves these questions, but it's important to remember that having your own family and being a parent are distinct life stages in which you may lack experience yet. It's okay to be confused and frustrated, Ma and Pa! You're still learning the ropes, and we at Empath are cheering you on!

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References:

• Introduction to the Eight Concepts — The Bowen Center for the Study of the Family. (2024, September 27). The Bowen Center for the Study of the Family. https://www.thebowencenter.org/introduction-eight-concepts
• Caffaro, J. (2023). Sibling abuse. In Elsevier eBooks (pp. 215–224). https://doi.org/10.1016/b978-0-323-91497-0.00152-1
• Ellerbe, C. (2024, March 13). How to End Sibling Rivalry. Psychology Today. Retrieved September 5, 2024, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-parenting-playbook/202403/how-to-end-sibling-rivalry
• McCarthy, C. (2022, December 6). Sibling rivalry is normal — but is it helpful or harmful? Harvard Health Publishing. Retrieved September 5, 2024, from https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/sibling-rivalry-is-normal-but-is-it-helpful-or-harmful-202212062861
• Travers, M. (2024, March 20). How Parents Can Fix A ‘Sibling Rivalry Dynamic,’ From A Psychologist. Forbes. https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2024/03/18/how-parents-can-fix-a-sibling-rivalry-dynamic-from-a-psychologist/

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